Sunday, April 10, 2016

That Aching Feeling

Hello lovelies,

Apparently I can only sit my butt down to write a blog once a month lately, I guess that's okay considering I have been sick, had spring break, and am now in the midst of opera prep/the last few weeks of school.

I wanted to write because I don't really know how else to cope with this, and maybe you can relate; if you've ever been in a long distance relationship (LDR) you already know what I'm feeling, probably. If not, then I completely envy you, but in the nicest way possible; I wouldn't trade my relationship for anything and I love my husband more than life.

But guess what? Ever since I moved to college we have had to deal with distance; even when I moved back to Alabama and we were in the same state I still have been two hours away from him when school is in session.
Now that we are married there is nothing stopping us from seeing each other weekends, which is amazing, but during the week we can't be together. It sucks, that's an understatement but it's what I feel.

Yep, I am SUPER blessed to even have a husband, to even see him on weekends, but that doesn't diminish the fact that every goodbye is harder and harder, and that when I am my loneliest I can't turn to him and melt in his arms. I know that there are others who have it worse than I do, and I am not interested in a pity party or a "who has it worse" contest, because comparison is stupid and pointless. Do you really WANT to have it worse? Geez.

But because *someone* always has it worse, I feel like I can't talk about this to most people. And that's just so crappy, in my opinion; shouldn't I be allowed to miss my freaking husband? We are newlyweds and the MOST we have spent together in our marriage is 10 days, and that was only because of spring break (before that week, we had only spent together 4 days in a row). We haven't even had our honeymoon yet because of my school; yep, it's a choice we both make to allow me to finish my degree and for him to work in our hometown, and I'm glad that I am sticking with school but it freaking STINKS to be in this situation.

Honestly, this semester has been one of the hardest on me, emotionally. Now I'm not just saying goodbye to a boyfriend or fiance, I am saying goodbye to my husband, my partner, my soulmate, my one and only. We are one now, and that makes the goodbyes harder than they ever were, even though I see him more frequently now. It's also been a rough semester due to changing friendships in my life, and so many losses of friendships over the last year; some nights I feel the only person I can trust is my husband (again, I am grateful for that, he is my everything, after all), but I crave that closeness in a friend that I can just go hang out with when I am lonely or that I can invite to try new things with me. My time at this school is almost up, and has been shorter than normal because of transferring, so I'm in this weird limbo situation with classmates. I'm pretty much just friendly with people as they are friendly to me, but no closeness truly happens or truly lasts (I get glimpses of it briefly, then the person just kind of moves on to the next, and I have to watch them be sucks, but I just turn away and try to realize that it wasn't meant to be and they can just be my polite acquaintances).

All of this to say, I miss my husband, I miss having a best friend outside of my romantic relationship, and I hate goodbyes.

In 3.5 weeks this semester will be over, and I will feel better. Logically I know this, and I've been getting better with dealing with these emotions. But in this moment, the one right after he had to go home this time (usually I visit him, this time he visited me) I am feeling a physical pain in my chest and have been holding back tears while trying to distract myself. It feels like something inside me is not okay, like there is truly a piece missing or something crumbling from within.

 I will live, and in 3.5 weeks I will get to live with him again. But this sucks, so so much.


The positive side to all of this? We are so close and have been through so much, we value our time together so much more, and I think we are stronger for it. No power in the 'verse can stop us, and we are an example of an LDR that succeeded and is still going strong after 4.5 years of being together.
There is hope, always! LDRs aren't easy, but they are doable. I am proud of my relationship, and know that when I am in my husband's arms that the aching will go away. This period is temporary, and will someday no longer be the norm. Thank goodness!

If you're still reading, thank you for listening; I hope that my vulnerability can help someone else. You are not alone in your suffering!

Alexandra Anne

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