Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Dusty Boots

I have a problem. Ok, everyone has problems, I'd be lying if I said I only had one. This is one I'm dealing with: I have this terrible need for closure. Oh, and a side bar of that problem is I cannot block people out of my life, I'm "too nice" to them. Wait, what? Yes, sometimes I need to let go of people that Satan is using, and I just can't. I let him win little battles, and then I beat myself up even more.

Last night I decided to wear some old boots. They were cute, I wanted to wear boots with that outfit.
But they were dusty when I picked them up off my bathroom floor (I have too many shoes, some are in my closet, some in my bedroom, and some in the bathroom; there just isn't room in any one spot for all my shoes!). Why were the boots dusty? Obviously, they have not been worn in a very long time. I honestly could not tell you the last time I wore those boots. But let me tell you where I got the boots; my ex gave them to me for Christmas a few years ago.

Why do I still have boots from my ex? Well...you can't really give those back now can you? What would a teenage boy do with girly boots?

The question has now become: why did I pick up the boots again? I have other brown boots... It's that nagging need for closure. He isn't really in my life now, and I was feeling guilt, sorrow, aching for the past? I don't know... but the funny thing is, my body rebelled.

Let me digress momentarily; I am a singer, an opera singer actually, so I have, over the years, become more aware of my body and what it needs. (This is also why I am partially on the Paleo diet, or what I call "God's Diet" where I only eat natural foods, to honor the body God gave me) So little things about my body will make me very sensitive; I'm quite attuned to my body's needs and the signals it gives me. If my body is in pain, I am quick to investigate and figure out why, that way I can take care of it and maybe prevent the pain from happening again.

How did my body rebel after wearing some boots from my ex? (Sounds Freudian, I swear it isn't) The boots were too small. My feet haven't grown in the two years I've had the boots; the boots were always too small. In retrospect, I see this is almost a metaphor for the relationship I stayed in. I was swallowed. There was no room for growth. I kept trying to walk, despite the blisters. 

So this morning, when I woke up to a blister on my foot, I realized that I need to heal. It's ok to let people out of my life. God has put the right people in my life, and I am so happy! But when I cling to the past, and seek "closure" it can only end in tears and scars.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

Earthly gifts really cannot compare to the gift from our heavenly Father.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

"He will endure as long as the sun, as long as the moon, through all generations. He will be like rain falling on a mown field, like showers watering the earth." Psalm 72:5-6 

Let the Lord's rain heal and grow you! Let Him be your treasure, the keeper of your heart. There is no better gift than the gift of Jesus Christ.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:25-26

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